Friday, February 17, 2006 @1:17 AM
I think i was extremely emotional today
i could not stand it, i dont remember the last time i felt this way la, it was horrible=(
before recess, i felt so alone, and i actually wrote a song during geo lesson ok, i felt so much better after that, it didnt sound right though, and the tune was somewhat boring, so didnt care more,
i wanted to cry, but i tried to hold it back, i dont know why, i was damn
stressed today and well, yesterday too. but it became serious again, i did not feel like me, i felt werid,i want to hear my own happy voice again=(
but thanks god, my friends cheered me up during the recess, and i perked up, fiona aka fifi carried me all around and i was practically screaming. wasnt much of a success of thinking for cheer steps, steph and i were so bloody shy, so many ppl in class la.
(anyway, i came up with 2 eights just now.so happy!!! going to teach steph when we are both free)
anyhow,... at the end of the school, we got back my chem test, and guess what? i got 10 upon 40, ya, shocked?! i was so immune, i did not feel upset or what i just felt,...nothing, i guessed i expected it anyway,.... then i went around and realised that no one failed, at least not as bad as mine. i still was like walking aimlessly round,... i dont know, so,...i went to pack my stuff...
suddenly, all i knew was i walked straight out of the class and went to 3e6,. i ignored everyone i saw,.. i actually ran in. and the moment i saw kuku, i ran to hug her and started crying,and i could not stop.
i guessed she was shocked,' but all she did was comfort me, 'dana dont cry ok, what happened?' but i just carried on crying, i did not care more, i was too tired.
then pat saw me, and came over. but when i saw her, i started crying again, and we talked and stuff. she did not asked me what happened, she just sat there and looked and comforted me.
then guess what, gita came in and i started crying again, i think i just miss the TOOTERIANS too much, and then git called yaya here,...
when we were together, nothing could tear us apart, we were a clique and we were ALL best friends.
i miss having a best friend, i miss having a clique!!! i MISS PAT!!! I MISS KUKU!!! I MISS GIT AND I MISS YAYA!!!!I MISS THE TOOTERIANS!!!i thought i could handle it in my new class, with me from my old class alone. thinking that there will be a whole bunch of nice ppl there to make friends with and maybe become best friends, but i naively forgot that they have their own cliques from last years and may not accept a new different person in it.
i realise that its the same, like i wont allow anyone to come into the
tooterians, its like the 5 of us, thats all.period. we went through thick and thin, and no one, no matter how nice a person she is, would not be able to understand or feel how we felt, nor can we feel or understand her. its like the spaces are fully occupied.
i remember last year pat and i went everywhere together, during recess, we always ate the same thing,when its malay food, it would be rice, curry veg, egg, and potato,..and chilli. we would queue up together do everything together, we sit beside each other as well, share secrets and study together. everything. it was only that i loved going to school, friends all there to help and bring a smile to my face. when anything happens, they are there for me to lean on, no problem.
and i miss that feeling that whatever you do, there would be someone behind you, and i would never feel alone. never, with
MY tooterians.
i
really hope that i am making a big deal out of nothing. i hope i am wrong, everything is fine, i was just thinking too much. maybe when i wake up tomorrow, the tooterians would be back, we would still be at the tooterians corner with our laughing sessions. *slaps myself* immpossible dana,its too late....
its nice to imagine though....
you wont understand, you have your best friend.
you know, i get envious when i see alexa taking 'revenge' on grace becuz dahlia bullied kuanyee. its like if you bullied my best friend, YOUR best friend is going to be in trouble!' that kind of thing. i thought that was really touching, and i could not do anything, i cant get involved, i dont have a bestfriend with me anymore
i mean, everyone in my class is really loveable they are all so fun and kind. just that maybe its not time yet.
i get confused, my class, my friends, my juniors, all that talking behind me, my test, my results,
luckily for me, pat is still in my reach, i can still walk to her, not forgetting that she would gradually become someother persons's best friend. but whatever, at least i had her to talk to today. we were having our private conversations at the video shop, eating instants and jelly beans.i felt a whole bloody lot better, i love you pat!!!!!
perhaps,...perhaps,... i am too paranoid....oh,... i wanna play with my ham ham,... i wanna sleep, i wanna study geo and i wanna sing!!!!!!!!!!!! i haven regained my full voice ever since my cough.....i miss singing
and i just try to find some hope to try to hold on to, it never ends, its so unfair....