Wednesday, April 05, 2006 @4:31 AM
man,... i feel like crying,.... just got back from dance.... had our rehearsal for the performance at victora theatre. azrina told me the other day that they were in the play as the grandmother's friends, i thought nothing of it cuz i thought it was only 2 or 3 of them, and somemore, just the friends of the grandmother, nothing too fantastic. i was like, nvm, i will be in sth else la,....
ok, then today, reality slapped me hard on my face,... i wasnt going to do anything besides my own malay dance with me doing dumb repetitive steps mr fathu dont bother to change,... i was upset enough not doing all those nice nice steps others are doing,. i mean and i know that he does not care,... he just put us in order of sizes,... he does not care who could do better, who looks better, as long as the dance is done up and he has fulfilled his duty. i mean that is so selfish.
i wanted to do all those steps others are doing,.. i know i can do it so so much better. and i really feel like slapping them cuz its like they cant even be bothered bout it and dont bother to improve their moves, they show attitute and some even proclaim that how unlucky they were to do this difficult step. they know who they are. the lucky shit.they arent aware. those freakin kiddy-minded people.
yes, i am angry and perhaps i am jealous, i seriously think i dont deserve any shitty position i have. ok,... i do sound so bitchy here, but i cant help it, i say what i feel on my blog. juniors, idiotic sec2s, majority of you,. i really despise you man. luckily i have my seniors and they too hate the sec2s . man, given the chance i should have just tell mr fathu bout it, it was them that made him so angry in the first place,. they dont care, show attitute faces, heckcare, anyhow dance,... no wonder he got so pissed and started cutting the parts that deserved people like si wei and i should have done. cuz there are people like them who go around pissing people with black shitty faces and then make mr fathu so angry that he dont even remember that there are living people still passionate bout dancing.
man,.... maybe this is life, there MUST be people born to upset your life, in whatever you do,...
ok,... if reality slapped me hard today,... i think it could just kill me. with those thorns getting more intense, i think people put fertilisers for it to grow.
back the the grandmother's friends part,.....( let, me put it bluntly, the bitch is talking) I WAS SUPPOSE TO BE IN IT, THERE WAS NO OTHER REASON WHY. i blame myself, fate i guess, i cant stand it, i put on a straight face, i really want to cry, why must i be sick? i know for this i dont blame anyone,... i even try not to blame myself, but how????? i mean,... i really dont think i just deserve to be sitting at the back stage for the rest of the time after freakin malay dance. while all the time other people are doing the play part, the story line. I, would be just doing nothing, feeling useless, how bad can somethimg get? malay dance like that, now like that. if they malay dance girls get to change costumes to be the 'friends',... i beg you, you just bring out your great grandfather's rifle and shoot me straight at my brain immediatly.
i mean, well, ok, i admit i am very spoilt. cuz last year i had nice fleshy parts for all my performance,... and i was sort of taking it for granted. but, if they can prove to me that they can dance so much better, my anger would just disappear in a blink,.... but, its sad cuz i know if i were to do it, i would be able to push myself to be better. well,... i know it makes no sense here and if you, reading this, are raising your eye brow, please, just pretend you understand even if you dont, and feel sorry for me,... i feel so sorry for myself,...
luckily, i still have my dance friends, staying strong with me, thanks for keeping me company when i was bored sitting down watching the others today, jamie, limin, daphane, steph, and a whole lot others, thank you lots,...
i want to love again man